By: Joel Kroft, Executive Director of Memory Support Services
Joel has worked Country Meadows Retirement Community for more than 20 years, specializing in dementia care. Today he oversees programming in the Connections Memory Support Services neighborhoods at all 9 campuses and our non-profit sister campus, Ecumenical Retirement Community. His education and professional background focuses on developmental psychology, adult development and aging.
The Five Love Languages have integrated their way into popular culture and are tools in helping us answer the question: How do we love people well? As established in the New York Times best seller The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, the ways people express and receive love include: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch. Age, gender and health do not seem to impact these five guides, as you can reference the principals outlined in the book when raising children or even starting a relationship. What about when you are trying to connect with a spouse or understanding the behavior of a family member who is requiring memory care support?
How do you love well when a world is feeling like it has flipped upside down after receiving news of a dementia diagnosis? What should you do when memory care and doctors’ appointments are all-consuming? Why are the unpredictable moods and behaviors of the disease making things so hard?
Remember: Love languages evolve.
Memory care can change communication and connection, but that love you have for your spouse, partner or family member doesn’t disappear. Regardless of the progression of a loved one’s memory loss, the love and friendship that brought you together in the first place is there – it may just look a little different now.
I’ll share an example of a husband who attended one of our Dementia Live events: an activity we host at Country Meadows Retirement Communities that simulates the sensory experience of someone living with memory loss for staff training and family education. During these sessions, we walk participants through scenarios and offer tools and solutions so they can better understand the disease that is affecting their loved one. This gentleman was discouraged because his wife, who was receiving memory care services in our community, was no longer recognizing him. We offered an idea: during his next visit, bring a photograph of himself as a young man, from when they were early married. Lead with that photo when entering her apartment and see what happens. To the husband’s great joy, his wife recognized him, and they had a special moment of connection together.
When one spouse is not experiencing memory loss, that can be incredibly difficult to relate so it’s all about understanding your partner and being creative to make the most out of each interaction. The example I just described tapped into the emotional response. It can be draining on spouses who are always re-introducing themselves when their partner forgets them. By coming forward with the image of his younger self, he let the photo do the talking. As memory care needs evolve, the resident’s verbal expressions tend to decrease. What this spouse did was make the effort to understand where his wife was now and what she needed. It wasn’t easy and that moment of recognition may have been short-lived – but in that moment, love won.
Rather than focusing on what has been lost or needs to change, this example also demonstrates that love can show up in new and meaningful ways when translating the Five Love Languages to loved ones with memory loss.
Words of Affirmation
Words have a different affect on an individual receiving memory care-but words still matter! According to the Alzheimer’s Society, depending on the type and stage of the disease, the part of the brain that controls language is damaged, meaning the processing of spoken words can be delayed or impossible because words are being jumbled. This is a hard part of the progression for spouses, because the resident can’t say the words back or the sentiment is seemingly not returned. This should not discourage you from saying sincere words and greetings because the feelings are felt. Words of affirmation and love provide reassurance. They may need to be repeated often, but with a compassionate tone and delivery, words can actually translate into comfort and safety.
Quality Time
Visits going from doing things together to simply being together can be an adjustment for spouses and family members as they learn the evolved preferences of their loved one. For example, if the family is accustomed to shopping trips and game nights, now, those activities could be too stimulating or just not feasible due to the physical and emotional toll this may have on a loved one. Now, the main activity could be sharing a cup of coffee or bopping along to a favorite song. This shifts the expectation to being fully present-also an expression of love. If you need more ideas, check out these suggestions for successful visits with a loved one in a memory care neighborhood.
Acts of Service
When memory care responsibilities take over, the dynamic often turns from being a spouse to being a caretaker. This tends to be the primary love language given and received as dementia progresses. Between managing medication, supporting daily routines and preparing meals, caregiving days can feel like Groundhog’s Day. That is when it is critical to remember that these “tasks” are actually acts of love and devotion. Even hiring a professional caregiver to assist you or moving into a retirement community to share in the care are still ways you are honoring your loved one and your caregiver role.
Physical Touch
Holding hands or embracing in a gentle hug are our bodies ways of grounding and reassuring safety and comfort. When words tend to fail, a simple touch communicates presence. Being mindful of comfort level on a particular day and boundaries is important in making the most out of this interaction. Remember the example I shared about the husband who was not being recognized. Imagine if he walked in beaming with physical affection and went in for a kiss. His wife could spiral into confusion and become agitated because this “stranger” is making advances. In his example, having him extend a handshake first or go in for a kind hand-hold is an appropriate touch that demonstrates his affections and intentions at a slow and comfortable pace for the resident.
Gift-Giving
Consider gifts that spark reminiscing or familiarity. As the progression of the disease advances, surprises are much less welcome. A family photo album, cozy sweater or blanket make for thoughtful and useful gifts that bring a sense of calm or comfort. Another element of memory care is that it is important to remember that cognitively your loved ones may not be interested in the “things” they once were. For example, someone who previously appreciated fancy handbags may be in the stage of the disease where they are benefiting from Nurture Therapy activities such as “caring” for a baby doll or stuffed animal. Another thoughtful gift for someone in this stage could be a stuffed animal that resembles the family dog or accessories for the baby doll. This can be a difficult aspect of the disease for loved ones and family members, but what we hope family members recognize is that the resident is drawing back to a time of her life filled great purpose and love. Need some gift ideas: Good Housekeeping outlined helpful gifts for people for every stage of dementia.
Love that Adapts is Still Love
The expressions may look different, but in the end, it’s still love. A steadfast, loyal and comforting companion is no match for this diagnosis! By meeting the spouse where he or she is at along the memory care journey, you are just reshaping and reconnecting the foundational elements that has built your beautiful love story this far. Want to know something else that’s special…there is still so much to know and learn from each other!
Caregivers Deserve Care, Too
Being a caregiver of a spouse with a dementia diagnosis can be challenging in its own way as you are mixed with your own unmet needs, experiencing grief of things that seem lost or even feeling lonely. Seeking support, taking breaks and managing your own mindset and expectations can provide important moments care for the caregiver. Please know that taking a breath for you and making space for your emotions are not a sign of weakness or not loving or appreciating your loved one!
Country Meadows offers a variety of support groups for family caregivers and even specific to spouses with our “Still Us” network, and even the Dementia Live trainings to encourage caregivers and foster a sense of community. Contact a campus community near you for a full schedule of upcoming caregiver support activities.
Additional Resources:
- Cary Chapman, PhD, author of the original 5 Love Languages has published many books on the subject of love and memory care. Please consider reading Keeping Love Alive as Memories Fade
- Life With Grief, a podcast hosted by a professional grief coach Tara Accardo, normalizes the complexities of grief and helps listeners navigate life after loss. In a recent episode, she dives into the connection between love languages and how they can be used to support, connect and encourage in grief.
